I finished writing in my journal about my observations over the last few months. This is an excerpt from it.
While others may not say anything to me and notice, I observe my own growth this go-round. And the nice part is that I don’t need that external validation from others. Most of the time, that validation comes from myself to myself (first and foremost).
Was I perfect with every interaction? No. Did I let some commentary and actions get to me sometimes? Sure and I feel like anyone with a sensitive, compassionate heart would be the same way. Especially when an individual is able and willing to take perspective of not only their own but from others different from them also. Compared to over a decade ago, I have grown so much. So incredibly much.
The counseling, doctor’s visits, working, practicing more self-care and self-compassion, being more assertive and standing up for myself, practicing and having better boundaries with others, and so much more has helped me tremendously.
I have a choice. It’s always been there and yet, I would run myself into the ground to care for others who may not be looking out for their own best interests and most certainly, not for my own interests.
The culimination of these last few months has shown me so much about myself as a person and I feel more connected to/with myself first than I ever have been. I’m not expecting perfection anymore. Really most of the time now, my expectations from others are very low to non-existent.
I think sometimes I had to go into and stay in hell; to be able to realize that I didn’t have to stay there. Some others in my past may have placed me there. My own actions have taken me there. There are some currently who think and see me only for who I was in the past. The presumptions are there and I understand that I cannot change them. Only those individuals can, if they want to.
I understand that I have a choice to come out the other side of hell. And to come out the other side of hell, I had to do it for me and me first.